Giving Up. Giving In. Going Home.

Sorry for the long delay since my last post. Quite a bit going on.

Is your marriage certificate just a piece of paper? If so, is your divorce decree just another one? I've had people make comments of that sort to me and truthfully, I don't agree. I appreciate the legalities involved but I also know the emotional importance of both.

I am back with my ex-husband -- the love of my life. For both of us, it represents exactly what the title of this blog post says. We are giving up, giving in and finding home again. And, redefining it. We are two people in various stages of mid life embracing our past and determined to celebrate the good parts while not repeating the bad parts. I met this man when I was 26 and married him when I was 29. He has been my husband, lover and friend for most of my adult life.

Perhaps this marriage had to run into a ditch for us both to realize what we have and what we screwed up. I'm not big on trying to figure out God's plan -- I'm not that smart. But with hindsight, I can see we needed the break to appreciate what we had and what we have found again.

A couple of years ago, we were at a lake cottage with friends. Gabby on his lap and all of us having fun on the pier. We will do that again next weekend but oh how we have grown and changed.



I'm giving up. I'm giving up things like pride, my control-freak tendencies and my judgemental ways when he says or does something I don't agree with. I'm giving in. Giving in to the pure, raw feeling that says to me, "This is right."

I'm home.

Being Wooed

Here's a little quiz. Just whisper the answer to yourself.

Do you like to be told you're attractive?
Do you enjoy feeling smart?
Do you like someone laughing at your humor?
Do you like to fall asleep when someone has just said, "I love you."

Well, of course you do. We all do.

I'm no expert at marriage; I'm probably a better expert at divorce. Yet I do know that anyone who consistently makes you feel smart, funny and attractive is wooing you. And if you could bottle that phase of respect and appreciation, no one would ever need a divorce lawyer.

If You Don't Know Me By Now

For someone who has spent her entire adult life making a living in communications, it occurs to me that I may not be a great communicator in my personal life.

I have a sassy mouth. I have spent many years learning to temper it. The tendency to (as my ex-husband used to say) "Ready, Fire, Aim!" has been somewhat stifled. I truly try to engage my brain before I open my mouth.

Yet, I am still me. I will continue to be an open book. I will tell you what I think if you ask me a question. If I love you, I will spend countless hours trying to craft a proper response in the kindest possible way. Or sometimes I will blurt out what I really think and apologize for the manner in which it was delivered.

I have a wacky sense of humor that I inherited honestly. My parents are two of the funniest people on the planet and even when we jab each other, it is done with a foundation of love, respect and a little bit of attitude. "You can't get rid of me!"

My family is my family. That sounds idiotic but it's important that I put it out there. I have cousins and distant relatives that I go years without seeing. But they are in my prayers and I would be there for them in a heartbeat if needed.

I have an abundance of friends and acquaintances. Most of my friends have been with me for decades. We have had the joy and the pain of watching each other experience every possible scenario. Occasionally my sassy mouth or distracted brain or wacky sense of humor gets me in trouble. I have total respect for anyone who calls me on it:

You hurt my feelings.
You shouldn't have done that.
I need you right now.
Why did you say that?

But lately, I'm copping a little attitude.

If I've been your friend (or family) for decades, shouldn't you know that my loyalty is with you? Shouldn't my best judgement count? Shouldn't you trust me that my intentions are pure?

I'm getting tired of explaining myself and my decisions. I am living with my parents because I need to do so. It is not just for financial reasons -- I could move out tomorrow and eke by for a while. I am looking for the right job, not just any job, because it is the right decision for me. I am not looking for a new husband. Having coffee or a drink with someone does not an affair make. But I also could have an affair with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir and I'm pretty sure it is no one's business but mine. (and God's)

Live and learn. I lost some acquaintances in the divorce. Ok, I can live with that. But occasionally someone just blows me away with a comment or a question and I think,

Wow, you don't know me at all.

Time to Move On

Well, the Super Bowl is over and as the whole world knows, our Colts did not win. I admit that I wanted our team to come out on top but I also understand the excitement for the Saints. And I admit that if a city ever needed a sports team to bring them some good news, it's New Orleans. So, it's time to move on.

My divorce is final. It fell together pretty quickly a couple of weeks ago and then I promptly fell apart. There's a lot of two steps forward, one step back. It's hard and it's sad and it's the right thing. I'm still allowed to hurt and I'm still allowed to be mad at myself and my ex-husband. It's also time to move on.

I've allowed myself to be coddled and pampered by my parents since the separation. I am upping my intensity on the job search because I have to take something. I have to get out in the world and I have to start somewhere. I can't start rebuilding my life until I actually go out and make a new one for myself. It's time to move on.

It's also time to move on from the pity party so future posts will hopefully be much more uplifting.

And So It Goes

I've been lapse in updating the blog because my new year did not start out as I had hoped. I wanted to give you all sorts of good news and positive, uplifting comments about moving forward.

Instead, I was dealt a few setbacks. And I felt sorry for myself a bit.

With all the tragedy and despair in the world -- Hmmm... Haiti perhaps? -- it is indulgent and ridiculous to get depressed over little things in life. Or is it? The little things that go wrong seem very big at the time. Guess that's just human nature.

I don't live in Haiti; I live in Indiana where I came in second (AGAIN!)for a job I really wanted. I negotiated and signed divorce papers yesterday for a marriage that is long over but with a heart that is still wounded.

My heart breaks for the devastation in Haiti and yet, it is uplifted by the miraculous stories of rescue and the humanitarian efforts. My heart is broken by some things in my life right now but I know tomorrow is another day and my spirit is resiliant.

Embracing the New Year

Earlier this week, my aunt married her love. She and her new husband have both experienced love and loss with their first spouses. Now they are embracing each other and their future together. Not only am I extremely happy for them, I am inspired by them.

I'm in search of inspiration right now. Tomorrow is my wedding anniversary and my divorce is still not final. My job search is in "crash and burn" mode. I keep getting soooo close and then something happens. The roller coaster of hopes up/hopes dashed is exhausting.
But the new year is almost here and I'm finding a lot to look forward to. Or more accurately, new things to be inspired by and about.

Happy New Year

A Garden Party

If you're old enough, you might remember Ricky Nelson. If you're really old, you might remember that he was a child of Ozzie and Harriet Nelson and they had a quaint little TV sitcom that still runs in syndication.

One of the benefits of being married to (and around a lot of) musical people is they know the stories behind the songs. They tend to study these things and memorize them. Even if they get them partially wrong, it's still more than I knew to begin with.

It's hard to go back. It's difficult to face old friends and acquaintances in a new reality.

Last year, the holiday season was a blur for me. I was newly separated, a raw little thing that could barely blurt out, "Merry Christmas" without dissolving into tears. This year, honestly I am still raw but the wound is scabbed over. I made a promise to myself that I would buck up and attend social gatherings when I was asked.

In 1971, Ricky Nelson was part of a Rock & Roll Revival concert at Madison Square Garden. The crowd wanted to hear his old songs and when he launched into newer material, he was booed. He left the stage.

"Garden Party" became a hit for him in 1972.

I went to a garden party to reminisce with my old friends
A chance to share old memories and play our songs again
When I got to the garden party, they all knew my name
No one recognized me, I didn't look the same

I've been to a couple of garden parties lately. Everyone is genuinely nice and happy to see me. But it's hard to shake the feeling of not singing the right song.

Ricky Nelson was a smart cookie with lyrics. He ended the song with:

But it's all right now. I've learned my lesson well.
You see, you can't please everyone, so you've got to please yourself.

Tired and Cranky

Aren't there always days when you're tired of being tired? This is one of those days. I'm tired of wanting a cigarette. I'm tired of looking for a job. I'm tired of waiting for my divorce to be finalized. I'm tired of catching a glimpse of me in the mirror -- looking tired.

And yet, I've gone two weeks without a cigarette and I haven't killed anyone yet. I have a couple of promising job prospects. I have a meeting later this week that will bring the divorce closer to closure.

I'm starting to believe I'm one of those odd, ridiculously chipper people. I took my dog this evening to a small street festival. I ate bad food and listened to a band. I was the only one who started dancing.

I will never be too tired or cranky to dance.

"We Always ..."

It's slowly closing in on one year since my marriage ended. While I am still legally married, the beginning of the emotional end started in the Fall of '08.

Since then, we had another anniversary; we did not spend it together. We've both celebrated birthdays and his was a milestone one. We didn't see each other for either. Separately, we acknowledged the one-year anniversary of the deaths of his parents, my original oldies. Not to mention kids' birthdays, friends' anniversaries and the holidays.

Not that this is any harder for me than it would be anyone else but I love routine. I cherish tradition. And I love the idea of knowing our favorite menus, our regular vacation buddies and our holiday traditions.

We are not enemies and I don't think we're going to be. We're friendly but not friends. "Acquaintances" feels wrong -- it implies knowing someone but not well. We know each other scarily well.

So what are we? We are no longer a we.

Don't Rewind

Many phases or decisions require a leap of faith. Some do it with a prayer while others adopt a "what the hell!" attitude. As I am continuing with my soul-searching, what-am-I-supposed-to-learn journey, I'm learning that it takes a dose of courage and a leap of faith to confront the icky underbelly of choices gone awry. It also takes a leap of faith to move ahead and believe there are better choices and days ahead.

Here's a lesson I'm pondering:

I've noticed that a lot of what passes for conversation only involves one party. The other person isn't interested or has heard the information before.

I am guilty of both sides.

And, it occurs to me that most of the spirited discussions toward the end of my marriage -- the last three years or so -- required neither of us to be there. We'd said it all before. We should've kept a tape of it so we could rewind, hit "play" and find something else to do.

There's a lesson in there that I'm trying to learn.

Look at me -- I'm leaping and learning.

Rocking in Memories

Don't we all have the fantasy of kicking back in old age? Rocking next to someone we love? Sharing memories and sharing stories.

The thing that gets me about the rocking chair fantasy is I don't want to sit beside someone who doesn't share my history. I don't want to learn his stories; I want to know them by heart. I want to interrupt and say, "No, it wasn't New Orleans; it was Las Vegas." I don't want to tell someone that I was once younger and cuter and smart and capable. I want someone who remembers when I was all of those things.

You're probably thinking that I'm melancholy and muddled in memories because my divorce is progressing. You would be correct.

Just because my divorce is the right thing doesn't make it hurt less.

Days When Nothing Works Out

Lately I've managed to string together quite a number of days when a pity party is in order.

I still have not found a full time job,
My divorce attorney fouled up the filing so I had to start from scratch,
My nerves are on edge and I'm already a pretty hyper person,
And more...

Worrying and fretting solves nothing. I know this. Doesn't stop me.

I am learning to appreciate what I do have. And, I have a lot.

But on certain days...

Giving it Back

When my husband and I married, it was important to him that I take his name. I was a little hesitant. I really did not want to go through the hassle of changing my name. Again. I also have maintained an odd affection for my given name.

But, I am a pretty traditional person and I appreciate the symbolism and simplicity of sharing a name with a husband. A marriage -- a couple, a shared home, a shared last name.

I have used his last name for more than 16 years -- most of my professional life. More people know me by that name than my original name although thankfully, I've always held onto my maiden name as my middle name. I hope I have used his name well but I know now it was not meant to be permanent. It was given as a gift and I no longer want it. I'm thinking of it more as a loan and now it's time to give it back.

Once the nice judge says it is permissible, I will begin the lengthy (and somewhat cleansing) process of changing my name. Again. This time it doesn't feel like a chore. It feels like returning home.

And to all of you who have never quite given up calling me "Sheri Lynn" or referring to me as "Riley," I want you to know that all three names are music to my ears.

Pop Goes Reality

One of the greatest gifts that has been bestowed on me during this separation and divorce thing is a reconnection with an old friend. Before I take this too far and someone goes, "Whoa! I invited you over, I said you could stay here, I bought you a drink," let me say thank you and allow me to single out one friend among many.

She is one of my goldies but unlike the other two, I have not been a part of her life for oh so many years. I was not there as her children were growing and I did not call her with my life milestones. We cannot make up that time.

But just like with my other goldies, she gets me. We forgive a lot. Our expectations in this friendship are pretty damn high but our expectations of what the others should do with their choices in life are amazingly lenient. I have made the sad mistake of thinking other people in my life had earned this privilege (or I had earned it with them) but it is not true.

Sometimes people like to point out the errors of my ways. Let's be honest. Some days I'm more open to that than others. I might start blubbering and say, "Oh my gosh, you're right -- I completely messed that up!" Other days, I might do my best to head butt the person and cause serious pain. Or, I might just walk away with feigned deafness.This friend has a tremendously funny way of scolding me, hugging me, etc. with one gesture.



Make a circle with your thumb and forefinger (like the universal symbol for "ok") and then take your index finger from the other hand and stick in in the middle.

POP!

It's her quiet way of reminding me that life is different now. If I start a story with, "I used to ..." or "I have always done ..."

POP!

In some ways, we could not be more different. In many moments, I am slapped with the clarity of our sameness.

The Marrying Kind

I still refer to my husband by the title "my husband" for two reasons. First of all, we are still legally married and secondly, I probably won't ever refer to anyone else by that title again. Well, unless it has "ex" in front of it.

Although you might think that's silly coming from someone like me. This is not my first marriage or my first divorce. But, I do believe it is probably my last one. It's sad because I really like so much about being married. I never intended to be anything but married, especially this last time. Sometimes things just don't work out as planned.

I am a great studier of other people's relationships. And I know a lot of people that probably should not be married but somehow they've made it work and I haven't.

Someone very near and dear to my heart is also my idol. She was a wonderful wife and mother while still maintaining her own identity and sense of self in a role that sometimes chews up other women. Once her husband passed away, she was content to view her role as someone's wife as completed. She even said to me, "I enjoyed our many years together but I will not be anyone else's wife."

When she recently announced that she is marrying her boyfriend of several years, it made me rethink a few things. Like, I probably shouldn't make grand pronouncements of never marrying again.

George

Much to my dismay, I was bombarded with country music in my youth. Of course, today I love it. Years ago, it was not cool and I aspired to be cool.

In my house, we watched "Hee Haw" on Saturday night. And if my dad was driving the car, we listened to the country station.

George Jones was, and is, one of my Dad's favorite artists. We have been to his concerts. For the record, "No Show Jones" usually showed.

When George's ex-wife and love of his life (Tammy Wynette) remarried, George referred to her mate as his husband-in-law. I have often borrowed a version of that term.

He has jillions of great songs but the one that makes me reach for the tissues is He Stopped Loving Her Today. It's morose -- a love carried until his dying day:

"...They placed a wreath upon his door
Then they carried him away
He stopped loving her today..."

Today I went to the house to deal with stuff: his stuff, my stuff, our stuff, stuff nobody wants ...

And I admitted it to myself:

She stopped loving him today.

In Bloom

Yesterday was a day of endings and beginnings. And, time for a few memories.

The first thought that hit me was the date. If I had remained married to my first husband, yesterday would have been our 25th wedding anniversary. So I thought about him. I remembered that day and many other good times.

Then I went over to the house that I used to call home to help with sorting and cleaning, as we prepare to put it on the market. I spent the bulk of the day in the same living space, with the same man that I have shared the last 18 years with.

For extra fun, I went to the attorney's office to have my signature notarized to begin the divorce process.

As I reflected on all of these things, I decided:

My first husband was a really nice man but our marriage was not meant to be. I think his wife is really glad.

The house no longer feels like my home.

The man I am married to no longer feels like my husband; He feels like a stranger.

It felt right to sign the papers.

Later I walked the dog and tried to appreciate the beautiful day. So many gorgeous flowers opening up.

I want to be in bloom too. Time to get started.

Cha Cha Cha Changes...

Welcome to my new blog site. I hope you will pop in regularly.

Years ago I started my first blog (www.livingwiththeoldies.blogspot.com) as a creative outlet while my elderly in-laws were living with my husband and me. After close to a thousand posts and many life changes, it is time to start anew.

Some use a blog as a daily journal of sorts. Others make political or social commentary. Still others have found an outlet for stream-of-consciousness thoughts. I have done all of these things and will undoubtedly continue.

This new blog represents a change. And change is my constant companion right now. My oldies, the in-laws I referred to, both passed away last year. The husband I referred to is soon to be my ex-husband. Another change. I am looking for full time employment. When that happens, I suspect that will change my life in many ways. And eventually, I will be moving and creating a new home of my own.

You'll still hear about some of the constants in my life: my parents and the rest of my family, friends and acquaintances and of course, my beloved big black Lab, Gabby.

Recently I spoke with someone who I have not seen since I was in high school. He told me I have a wicked sense of humor. I'm not sure that's true but I'll try to let it come through the screen now and then.

I can't really tell you why other people blog. I can only tell you that on certain days, writing is as crucial to me as breathing. I enjoy the process of taking a thought and communicating it in my own twisted way. And, I really enjoy it when you comment.

Welcome.