"We Always ..."

It's slowly closing in on one year since my marriage ended. While I am still legally married, the beginning of the emotional end started in the Fall of '08.

Since then, we had another anniversary; we did not spend it together. We've both celebrated birthdays and his was a milestone one. We didn't see each other for either. Separately, we acknowledged the one-year anniversary of the deaths of his parents, my original oldies. Not to mention kids' birthdays, friends' anniversaries and the holidays.

Not that this is any harder for me than it would be anyone else but I love routine. I cherish tradition. And I love the idea of knowing our favorite menus, our regular vacation buddies and our holiday traditions.

We are not enemies and I don't think we're going to be. We're friendly but not friends. "Acquaintances" feels wrong -- it implies knowing someone but not well. We know each other scarily well.

So what are we? We are no longer a we.

The Scary Side

The other night I was sitting with my friend in the Flamingo Lounge, aka her family room. We were recounting our day. Mine basically boiled down to a couple of episodes where I wanted to scream, "Move aside incompetent people! I will handle this."

She calmly said, "That's your scary side."

I come by this honestly. Everyone is afraid of my mother. (Some of her friends pretend like they're not but they're not fooling me.) Even my goldies -- my friends who have known her since our childhood -- are still afraid of her. They tread softly. A wise choice. My father who was struck with the thunderbolt, freakish, out-of-this-world love potion of adoration for her knows when to clam up and move on.

I must admit she is still capable of scaring me with a look. I think all parenting skills should be modeled on the Boy Scouts/Girl Scouts. The scary look is a badge to earn.

We celebrated her birthday earlier this week. Then we had a minor health scare. In the heat of the moment, I forgot to keep my cool and my scary side came out. I believe I said something like, "Please stop doing your hair because when you're dead, they have people at the funeral home who take care of that."

Happy birthday to my scary mom and genuine thanks for the DNA.

Whoa Betty!

I just saw The Proposal with Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds. It's predictable and yet, worth it. It's funny and a feel-good movie when I suspect we all crave feeling good.

Betty White made the movie. I want to be like her -- in almost every character she plays. Everyone knows I love the TV series, The Golden Girls and no, I do not refer to my nearest and dearest friends as my goldies because of this show. But the show is hysterical and it has stood the test of time.

I really started to follow Betty White in the 70s when she played the man-starved harlot, Sue Ann Nivens, on Mary Tyler Moore. I wanted to be Mary and I wanted to know Sue Ann.

Fast forward a few decades and I have known a few harlots. I've known a few ditzy gals, like Rose on The Golden Girls. I've known some really cool old women. Betty White seems to be one of the coolest.

Pop Goes Reality

One of the greatest gifts that has been bestowed on me during this separation and divorce thing is a reconnection with an old friend. Before I take this too far and someone goes, "Whoa! I invited you over, I said you could stay here, I bought you a drink," let me say thank you and allow me to single out one friend among many.

She is one of my goldies but unlike the other two, I have not been a part of her life for oh so many years. I was not there as her children were growing and I did not call her with my life milestones. We cannot make up that time.

But just like with my other goldies, she gets me. We forgive a lot. Our expectations in this friendship are pretty damn high but our expectations of what the others should do with their choices in life are amazingly lenient. I have made the sad mistake of thinking other people in my life had earned this privilege (or I had earned it with them) but it is not true.

Sometimes people like to point out the errors of my ways. Let's be honest. Some days I'm more open to that than others. I might start blubbering and say, "Oh my gosh, you're right -- I completely messed that up!" Other days, I might do my best to head butt the person and cause serious pain. Or, I might just walk away with feigned deafness.This friend has a tremendously funny way of scolding me, hugging me, etc. with one gesture.



Make a circle with your thumb and forefinger (like the universal symbol for "ok") and then take your index finger from the other hand and stick in in the middle.

POP!

It's her quiet way of reminding me that life is different now. If I start a story with, "I used to ..." or "I have always done ..."

POP!

In some ways, we could not be more different. In many moments, I am slapped with the clarity of our sameness.

A Road Trip

This weekend I drove to Memphis to visit one of my golden friends. Remember this saying:

Make new friends but keep the old. One is silver and the other is gold.

We have been friends since kindergarten so that definitely qualifies.

She and her husband built a gorgeous new home a few years ago and I was privileged to check it out for myself. Descriptive words would not do it justice so I will not even try. The greatest compliment I can give her is that for all of its grandeur and opulence, it feels warm and inviting. It feels like a home.

The trip there (and of course, the trip home) allowed me 8 1/2 hours of alone time. Just me and my brain. It was a fine time for reflective thinking. I beat myself up a bit, made some decisions, walked down memory lane and made some plans. It was therapeutic and time well spent.

Plus it was a lot cheaper than paying a therapist for 17 hours.