All Muddled Up

I hope you are having a good day. In fact, I hope everything in your life is aligned with God and there is not a worry in your head.

The reality is that you probably have something niggling at you. You are worried about a spouse who drinks, a kid who lies, a child in your life who might be bullied. Or worse, the bully.

You might be worried about superficial stuff like the lines on your face or the cellulite on your thighs.

I spent a lot of years thinking I could decide what to hide and what to share when the probems of my life made me a little crazy. My minister says that there is no shame in telling the truth; the shame is in secrets. I love him but he is living a dream.

There is no shame in telling people you love and trust about the issues and pain running through your brain. Yet, when you lose friends and lose jobs and lose hope because someone is now holding your decisions against you, there is shame.

We all say, "Love me, lean on me, I won't judge you." And yet, we do.

If You Don't Know Me By Now

For someone who has spent her entire adult life making a living in communications, it occurs to me that I may not be a great communicator in my personal life.

I have a sassy mouth. I have spent many years learning to temper it. The tendency to (as my ex-husband used to say) "Ready, Fire, Aim!" has been somewhat stifled. I truly try to engage my brain before I open my mouth.

Yet, I am still me. I will continue to be an open book. I will tell you what I think if you ask me a question. If I love you, I will spend countless hours trying to craft a proper response in the kindest possible way. Or sometimes I will blurt out what I really think and apologize for the manner in which it was delivered.

I have a wacky sense of humor that I inherited honestly. My parents are two of the funniest people on the planet and even when we jab each other, it is done with a foundation of love, respect and a little bit of attitude. "You can't get rid of me!"

My family is my family. That sounds idiotic but it's important that I put it out there. I have cousins and distant relatives that I go years without seeing. But they are in my prayers and I would be there for them in a heartbeat if needed.

I have an abundance of friends and acquaintances. Most of my friends have been with me for decades. We have had the joy and the pain of watching each other experience every possible scenario. Occasionally my sassy mouth or distracted brain or wacky sense of humor gets me in trouble. I have total respect for anyone who calls me on it:

You hurt my feelings.
You shouldn't have done that.
I need you right now.
Why did you say that?

But lately, I'm copping a little attitude.

If I've been your friend (or family) for decades, shouldn't you know that my loyalty is with you? Shouldn't my best judgement count? Shouldn't you trust me that my intentions are pure?

I'm getting tired of explaining myself and my decisions. I am living with my parents because I need to do so. It is not just for financial reasons -- I could move out tomorrow and eke by for a while. I am looking for the right job, not just any job, because it is the right decision for me. I am not looking for a new husband. Having coffee or a drink with someone does not an affair make. But I also could have an affair with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir and I'm pretty sure it is no one's business but mine. (and God's)

Live and learn. I lost some acquaintances in the divorce. Ok, I can live with that. But occasionally someone just blows me away with a comment or a question and I think,

Wow, you don't know me at all.