Giving Up. Giving In. Going Home.

Sorry for the long delay since my last post. Quite a bit going on.

Is your marriage certificate just a piece of paper? If so, is your divorce decree just another one? I've had people make comments of that sort to me and truthfully, I don't agree. I appreciate the legalities involved but I also know the emotional importance of both.

I am back with my ex-husband -- the love of my life. For both of us, it represents exactly what the title of this blog post says. We are giving up, giving in and finding home again. And, redefining it. We are two people in various stages of mid life embracing our past and determined to celebrate the good parts while not repeating the bad parts. I met this man when I was 26 and married him when I was 29. He has been my husband, lover and friend for most of my adult life.

Perhaps this marriage had to run into a ditch for us both to realize what we have and what we screwed up. I'm not big on trying to figure out God's plan -- I'm not that smart. But with hindsight, I can see we needed the break to appreciate what we had and what we have found again.

A couple of years ago, we were at a lake cottage with friends. Gabby on his lap and all of us having fun on the pier. We will do that again next weekend but oh how we have grown and changed.



I'm giving up. I'm giving up things like pride, my control-freak tendencies and my judgemental ways when he says or does something I don't agree with. I'm giving in. Giving in to the pure, raw feeling that says to me, "This is right."

I'm home.

Marry the Geek

I met someone the other day and we chatted about clothes, favorite vacation spots and fun restaurants. In the course of the getting-to-know-you conversation, I asked what her husband does for a living. He's head of IT for some fancy shmancy corporation.

I am officially, over-the-top, out-of-my-head jealous.

Please remember that I have never met this man. But I am starting to think with my head instead of my heart. And I am not interested in how much money a man makes or who he knows at the country club. I don't care if he can get the governor on the phone or get free tickets to whatever hot act is coming to town.

If I ever date or marry again, I will be practical. I want the guy who can work the remotes or fix my computer when I'm having a meltdown at 2:00 AM.

Looking Back; Looking Forward

There's nothing wrong with walking along memory lane. It adds perspective and let's face it -- it's fun. But lately, I am trapped on that street. Time may not heal things but it's supposed to add perspective. I'm not sure about that either. With me, it's much easier to get wrapped up in the good times, the easier times, the days that I thought all was right with the world.

This is why we have girlfriends.

And parents. And dogs.

Did I mention I had a date last night with the love of my life? The man I have shared most of my adult life with and the man who is capable of evoking every emotion and feeling with a glance or a touch...

Scary stuff for the faint of heart.

I recently plopped myself in my minister's office. I pretended to talk about committee stuff for a while until I gathered the courage to ask him (again!) for guidance about my marriage and impending divorce. Like all talented and well-schooled counselors, he was useless. I believe he said, "You're looking for me to tell you what to do and I can't do that." (He's not useless -- that was a joke!)

What he said, and it resonated, was this:
"You've already made your decision. You just need to act on it."

Yes, I do know it's time to look to the future. I may never love another man the way I loved this one.

But who knows? Maybe some really good stuff is out there once I choose to look forward.

Dinner Date

One of the most talented writers I know is my aunt. She has been my inspiration for a long time.

Tonight I am having dinner with a man. It's not a date; it's not a meeting. I don't know what it is. It's not just any man -- it's the one I've lived with for 18 years. I think we're both trying to learn from each other so we don't repeat the same mistakes. I don't think I can open my heart to anyone again until I truly understand this relationship.

As I'm pondering all of this, I reread one of my aunt's poems. It's about theft and I love it.

HELP STOP CRIME
by Cecily Crossman - 1972

I accused you of a felony,
I thought you broke my heart,
And ruined my life.
But,
After thoroughly investigating the crime,
I will concede,
It could have been an inside job.

Dating? Ugh.

I haven't been on a first date in about 18 years. My husband used to tell the story of our beginning as, "We went on a couple of dates and then she never left." There's a kernel of truth there.

The whole idea of dating fills me with dread and makes me want to crawl into bed with a book and a huge bowl of ice cream. It's too soon ... I'm too raw. But I know I will face it eventually.

One of the great safety nets of marriage is the ability to be with people of the opposite sex and no one thinks you're on the prowl. They know me. They know my husband. They know I'm going home to him. With strangers, a simple, "I'm married" clarifies the situation nicely. I'm used to going out alone or with girlfriends, running into people I know, etc. Now it feels odd.

I did have a date a couple of weekends ago. He wore a suit and tie and treated me like a Queen.

The next weekend I was tossed aside for a better woman; his wife returned home.