Comfort Food

Like most people, I have certain trigger foods that immediately imply comfort. Some love mashed potatoes -- I guess I do too. But mainly, I crave gooey and cheesy. I could eat macaroni and cheese every day. I don't allow myself to do it but I could.

About a year ago, I was slightly underweight for my size. Those days are gone. I've enjoyed mac & cheese, ice cream, and other guilty pleasures quite often. Now that I've balanced back to the normal range, plus quit smoking (Day 19!) I know the weight will begin to pile on.

I had three bites of mac & cheese tonight with my dinner. I probably won't do that again for a while.

But life cannot be all torture. I will still have some ice cream.

Tired and Cranky

Aren't there always days when you're tired of being tired? This is one of those days. I'm tired of wanting a cigarette. I'm tired of looking for a job. I'm tired of waiting for my divorce to be finalized. I'm tired of catching a glimpse of me in the mirror -- looking tired.

And yet, I've gone two weeks without a cigarette and I haven't killed anyone yet. I have a couple of promising job prospects. I have a meeting later this week that will bring the divorce closer to closure.

I'm starting to believe I'm one of those odd, ridiculously chipper people. I took my dog this evening to a small street festival. I ate bad food and listened to a band. I was the only one who started dancing.

I will never be too tired or cranky to dance.

Words of Encouragement

This morning I went out on the deck and found a note in the dew -- not the first one this week. Today's note said, "Day Nine -- Doing Fine."

It's amazing how something that simple and sweet can set your mood.

I promise not to make this entire blog about my efforts to become a nonsmoker but for the record, it is day nine. And I am still doing fine.

Thanks Dad!

Day Six

Still not smoking! I guess it's getting easier. I feel like it is and then I have a wave of something that makes me want to rip someone's face off. So far, I have been able to control myself.

Interestingly, I am craving the nicotine less than I'm craving the habit. I guess the Chantix must be doing its job. I still have my triggers:

Getting in the car
Leaving someplace where you can't smoke
After eating, etc.

My buddy is also hanging in there. She has a lot of nervous energy and is funneling it into home improvements. In a few days, she'll have remodeled her entire home.

I'm not deceiving myself -- there are lots of hard times, cravings and temptations ahead. But I'm starting to believe I can do it this time. If you understood how down I am about where my life is, you'd understand that feeling this hope is a gift.

Quitting Smoking

I am quitting smoking. Tomorrow is my first smoke-free day. I am excited and scared.

In my early years of working at the bank, everyone smoked. Right there in their offices -- it seems unheard of now. Conference rooms were decorated with huge crystal ashtrays. My boss and I spent countless hours working on budgets, plans and solving all the problems sharing a pot of coffee and filling the ashtray.

A few years later we moved into a brand new building -- Gasp! Nonsmoking! He decided to quit and we all cheered him on. But, I'll never forget him saying to me, "If I'm diagnosed with lung cancer, the first thing I'm going to do is buy a carton of cigarettes and smoke them all!"

Ok, he was in withdrawal. But I do understand the power of addiction.

Tomorrow is my turn. I've taken my Chantix even though I despise pills and I have a buddy enduring this with me. We figure we can hold each other accountable and also take our bitchy moods out on each other.

I'm telling you this for a couple of reasons:

I would appreciate support and prayers.
It's highly likely the mood of the blog may turn a little cranky for a bit.