Suicide

Yesterday, I put my head in my hands and said a prayer for a lost friend. I received the information that someone I cared about committed suicide.

Very shortly after my ex-husband and I separated, we lost a friend to suicide. This is always heartbreaking and perplexing to me. Is it money? You can't handle that your life has taken a tragic turn? Is it love? Is it having no one in your corner?

Frankly, I believe that every single person has SOMEONE in their corner. Just look around a little harder.

My Aunt Grace committed suicide in my childhood. I was at Aunt Hazel's when we received the word and I'll never forget it.

Take your religious beliefs, your family history and a million other thoughts about suicide. Roll them around your brain. Ok, now you're in my world.

I believe the lyrics from the Kenny Chesney song, "Everybody wants to go to heaven but nobody wants to go right now." I believe that Jack Kevorkian (Dr. Death) is onto something when he's helping terminally ill people make the transition.

To the best of my knowledge, my friend did not fit either of these situations. He was divorced -- sad but not terminal. He had two teenage daughters who worshipped him. He may have lost some money, a big title and a lot of the perks associated with being a Big Player.

Now he's dead. I will go to a funeral this week. I don't understand it at all.

Learning to Fly

Sometimes you just want to check out. I don't mean suicide or drugs or even grave depression. I mean more of the nagging feeling that everything is going wrong, you can't catch a break, you can't find your center, every smile is forced. It's not getting up on the wrong side of the bed; it's not wanting to get out of bed.

There's an old saying that goes something like this:

Sometimes the only way to learn to fly involves being pushed off a cliff.

That's the way I'm feeling these days. I so want to fly. I want to soar. I'm just not sure how. (I'm also not sure I've actually hit the edge of the cliff yet.)

Then I feel incredible guilt at the selfishness of these thoughts.

I'm not loving these extremes. Yet, I am clinging to my belief that I will fly again.

I do not recommend the combination of quitting smoking, finalizing a divorce and job hunting.